Your Talking Style is Confusing Your Man – Relationship Advice on Communication
Men and women communicate from different paradigms. One example of this is that women will often talk to connect. Men will usually talk to make points and problem solve. Some powerful relationship advice is to just begin to understand how this works in your relationship.
Clearly this can cause problems in relationships. We can end up arguing or not feeling heard. So understanding more of your talking style and your mate’s can help further intimacy between you.
Speaking in large generalities, a basic male communication style is to take charge and make points in a conversation. Men are territorial by instinct, and this shows up in conversation. They may interrupt more, try to make points, and then argue or try to convince people that their points are correct. They aren’t doing it to be rude, they are doing it to be clear and to be helpful.
Also, of course, men like to problem solve. This can be seen as the hunter killer instinct. If there is a deer and you need meat, you have to kill the deer. If there is a problem, then you have to kill the problem. You have to solve it if you can. So men like to identify problems (the boss sucks, your sister is a mess) and then, whenever possible, offer solutions (you should get a new job, your should tell your sister to stop being a doormat). Just note that men don’t have to have good solutions, but they will offer them up.
A basic female communication style can be called Connective Considering. Yes, women can solve problems and get to the point, but they are usually not territorial or dominant in their talking style. They actually use communication to connect with their partner. They talk out loud. They are sharing their on going process. They don’t wait to talk until they have it all figured out.
You as the female might say “My boss sucks!: Then share that the boss is having a hard time at home in their marriage. When you do this, you are connecting with your mate, sharing your process. You aren’t trying to drive a point home or get to a big final resolution. You can even make points that seem unrelated. You are reflecting and considering about your experience and the various pieces of it.
This style often drives men nuts. Saying the boss sucks is good, they are with you. The deer is identified. Saying the boss is having love problems is irrelevant. You don’t need to know the deer is having relationship issues to kill it! Just shoot the darn deer by quitting your job. So when you show some sympathy for their problems this gets very confusing for your man. Should he kill the deer or try to rescue it. What??
The way the sexes communicate differently is vast. But if you get that men like to make clear points and kill off problems, and that women often like to communicate to share and connect and reflect, you are off to a great start. Then you can try this simple relationship advice: take some time each week to communicate in your mate’s style, not yours, and see what happens.
Relationship Steps you can consider for this insight:
- See if you can practice committed listening with your mate for 5 to 10 minutes a day. See if you can identify these parts of their talking style.
- Then see if you can practice talking in their style some each week.
- Tell your mate you don’t need them to solve your problem when you just want them to listen
- Go here to see how to deal with this when conflict arises between you. How To Turn Conflict Into Caresses.
